I have not posted for quite some time. After starting a new opportunity I found it hard to get to my passion project of writing. Now that I have a little more free time, a smidge really, I found it necessary to start writing again. Two weeks ago I started writing down what I was grateful for. When I am done I will have 365 things that I am grateful for in life. Gratitude can be the most difficult lesson to learn for most people but for me it has proven to be more difficult than I thought. I started little and felt it wasn’t good enough just to be grateful for now traffic or that I didn’t spill my coffee or that I was able to breath. I wanted to look deeper but I struggled most days. I had a few awesome lessons of gratitude that ay have come at a price but all the same they ranked gratitude. This week I wanted to focus on the people in my life that even though they may not know, I am grateful everyday for them.
Today I was texting with a wonderful friend who is no longer in my daily view at work and has become a brilliant mother. I miss our jokes and the motivation and support we gave each other everyday. Today I hope I inspired her to do something she would be amazing at. She has given me such strength and support in the last four months that no words could describe how amazing she is. The gratitude I feel for having her in my life has saved me from my own despair many days. I am sure that Angela will show up again in my pledge of gratitude because our friendship is still growing.
In the beginning of November I found myself unemployed due to job elimination. My natural state would be to consider this the end of the world but I was more prepared for this transition than any other in the past. Considering it was during the holidays and not most companies hire during November and December, I wanted to utilize my time off and start my new chapter on the right foot. I was eating healthy, started walking 3 miles 3 days a week for the first few weeeks but then soon fell back into old habits. Autumn Semester finals, weather, Thanksgiving, family functions, Christmas all had given me great excuses to go back to unhealthy eating and sleeping in instead of being active.
My sister, who had retired from her Human Resource position at the end of October had been a great support since my recent job status change. We talked just about everyday and when I had good news about a job opportunity I shared it with her. Since she is my big sister she had always been good at holding me accountable, but I felt that even she was not being effective with my health goals. I knew I needed something stronger, something that I could not run from or make excuses to. I needed my inner voice to speak up and prove to myself that it can be done. Pondering over how I could get that little voice to wake up and start taking action I decided to blog about my journey. So after discussing it with my sister over the weekend and hearing her support I decided to start today.
In 153 days I will be 37 years old, I have started realizing there are so many things I am missing in my life as I get older. In my twenties marriage and children were far from my mind, mostly because I didn’t feel worthy due past relationships gone bad. I created a bubble around myself which only fueled my body image struggle. But even as a child I remember thinking I was too fat, when I was still very thin. As long as I can remember my mother and even my grandmother complained about their extra curves and soft bottoms so feeling this way now only makes sense to me as I resemble those same qualities. The sad part is that I have been continuing the cycle my whole life and I am terrified that because I have held the torch I will miss out on my chance to raise a healthy daughter of my own. Although I am a confident sexy woman I still have my dark days of binge eating and regret. I understand what healthy food is, what a good work out is and why you need to drink so much water a day, this is not my first time setting healthy goals, but this will be the first time I stick with it. One hundred and fifty days is a nice round number until my 37th birthday and it is also the start of family vacation in Florida. I know this will be hard to write everyday but I have never gona a day without thinking, I wish my legs were more tone or I wish I had a flat belly or if I was skinnier I wouldn’t have to worry about this shirt showing my softness.
For the next 150 days (or so) I will be sharing the day to day wins and challenges I know I will come across. I will be completely transparent in order to maintain accountability and honesty not only to myself but to anyone who may want to follow my progress. I want to be sure if you are reading this you understand I will be setting out to lose weight to improve my health and heal my heart. I am not interested in becoming Kate Moss, or starving myself to get into those size 2 jeans (which probably will never happen). I want to be healthy and happy in order to start my new chapter.
- Sunday December 27, 2015
- Weight 222/Body fat 58% (according to my digital bathroom scale)