Holding On To Words

There is something about holding on to words that I find inspirational or meaningful. Recently I had a conversation with my long time, 15 years minus a 6 year or so hiatus, Achilles heel, and for the sake of anonymity I will refer to him from here on out as Achilles. The words I was holding on to originated from a conversation that was fueled by a big win, alcohol and I am sure my irresistible nature. He made a proposal in a way that was just so matter of fact almost like he was asking me to go to the art museum this year. I of course knew he was just talking out loud and tried to brush off the thoughts that were obviously missing the filter in his brain. I laughed, called him crazy and tried to convince him I was not the right person for the proposal.  I never intended to bring up again and if I did it would be for sheer embarrassment on his part. So you can imagine what my head did when he mentioned two weeks later the name of our unborn child! Well, I will tell you what went through my mind – Whoa Whoa WHOA WHOA! Imagine medusa’s head spinning around with snakes flying everywhere! Immediately my head went to the conversation regarding the proposal and the words that I never intended to hold on to were now right there in front of me.  I had to wonder if he really had those thoughts and if I should pay attention to what he was saying since he just accused me of not being serious about being with him.  Achilles wasn’t always clear about his intentions and now after a more recent conversation, he confessed that what he wanted changes from moment to moment.  When I brought up the words I had held on to he said he didn’t remember saying that between laughter, which told me he was caught in a big lie, he did remember but why was he so afraid to admit it?  He told me I shouldn’t hold on to words and conversations like that. I agreed that it was dangerous territory to hold onto anything he promised or said to me in the throws of passion but this time was different and he was missing the point.  He was the one bringing up future ideas not me, I was simply noticing a trend. So after the most recent conversation I was thoroughly confused to the point of anger.  How could he sit there and avoid the conversation when he was the one bringing it up for the last month over and over might I add? He was good at getting to a point where we were close and great and then disappearing into thin air.  I have never held him accountable for anything, never asked for a commitment, a routine and definitely not a ring or a child. I was confused and at some point during the conversation I have been having with myself I’m sure I uttered something about him growing up or for gad’s sake just say what you want.  So until the next chapter of Achilles and Jill, I will hold on to only my words.  Words of inspiration words of encouragement that I say under my breath and in most cases directly to my own reflection.

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